it began a little over a week ago, busy with the holiday, wrapping, baking, family on their way into town - typical Christmastime hustle & bustle. I always hate how hectic it becomes at the end - rushing to do everything that you had hoped to finish weeks ago so that you wouldn't (once again) vow that next year you would be ready months before so that you could simply enjoy December. In the midst of it all I discovered I was pregnant - we finally decided to try again after losing our second son about a year and a half ago. After that whole experience I never thought I could do it again - the thought of carrying a child for months & months as I did with Emmanuel, only to lose him so far along - well it scared me to death. But finally, my husband & both decided to try and just see - if it happened, it happened - it would be meant to be. If not, we knew Ryan was enough, more than enough . . . Anyways, much to my surprise, the first month into trying it happened. I was ecstatic & decided to keep it a secret until Christmas. I was nervous & scared a bit, but excited . . . the doctor confirmed I was pregnant but that it was very early along - 2 weeks maybe - advised me to come in 2 days later to check the HCG levels. The night before Christmas Eve I began to miscarry - so early on that my doctor had said I would have never known if I hadn't been trying & checking - I would have just thought I was late. I know people miscarry all the time - I just can't help but wonder why it would have happened after everything we went through a year & a half ago. I keep reminding myself how blessed I am to have Ryan - and he is MORE than enough - but I still can't help but be sad . . . then last night my husband dropped my computer - just a simple accident - but somehow in the fall the hardrive internally smashed & I lost EVERYTHING - I am one of those idiots that never backed anything up - every picture of Ryan from birth was on that harddrive - I could just throw up over it. So, as you can see it is pouring at my house . . . I promise to be back later this week with something inspiring (fingers crossed) - as you can see - I need the distraction/creative escape of scrapping to get my mind off of things . . .
ttyl - julie