thursday . . .

I have written thousands of blog posts in my mind - ones a hundred times more deep & interesting & emotional than what usually ends up on the screen. The truth is I compose them while I drive or while I exercise & they just never make it back to the keyboard - or when I get to the keyboard I am way to tired to post anything more than some pictures or sketches. Not that I ever felt a true need to open myself up completely to cyberspace - that's not it - but I always appreciate reading other blogs where the writers share a bit of who they are with the rest of us - it just makes them more human I suppose. Anyways - I read something on Stephanie Howell's blog tonight & it got me thinking. And then I decided to just sit right down at the keyboard - set aside the scrap room I was hoping to clean up & the layout that needed 4 lines of hand-stitching & get the thoughts down - before they escaped me. It has been 20 weeks that this little miracle has been growing inside me - every visit to the doctor I am terrified - I am waiting for the other shoe to drop - I am waiting to see that look in the technician's eye or the doctor's eye to tell me they see something in the sonogram - something wrong. Even though everything has been fine so far - even though I act as if I feel secure this pregnancy is a healthy one - I am waiting, each visit, for bad news - I have not really been able to celebrate the fact that a little one is growing inside me. It is sad really - I remember feeling so different with Ryan - but I was naive then - I didn't realize what a true gift having a child was - how so many things had to fall into just the right place to produce a perfect healthy little one. And how you can't take one moment of it for granted because being able to give life to someone else - well it isn't a given - it's not a right, but really, truly a privilege. For weeks I have been waiting for the movement, the turning, the kicking - I just needed to know he was in there. I know that many people don't feel it until later but it was something I was waiting for. I see these pictures on a screen & I know my belly is growing, but I still couldn't really accept that this was happening - it is like I needed some kind of true confirmation. When I think of our second son, who we lost at 24 weeks, I remember never feeling him move - I think of how it should have meant something - how I should have told the doctor - how I should have been more in tune with myself, my body, his body. But it was such a difficult time, my mother-in-law was dying of cancer, my husband & I were in a very difficult place, I was tending to a needy little one year old. I just assumed everything was fine - I remember reading in the books to drink orange juice & lay on your left side to get the baby moving. Whenever I didn't feel Ryan move I did this to reassure myself everything was okay. I never did this during my second pregnancy - maybe if I had done this & not felt the kicking I would have said something to the doctor & they would have looked and seen that he couldn't move because of his condition - maybe the specialists wouldn't have had to tell us that there was too much damage done - that they couldn't help . . . so here I am again, I've been paying close attention this time (what I should have done the last time), waiting for the movement, the turning, the kicking - this week I felt it - this wonderful gift of knowing he was there - inside me :) And every night after he has reminded me - with a thump, thump, thump and a turn and I am

so

very

grateful.

On Stephanie's blog I read,

a sweet friend (and fellow mama to twins!) told me about a verse in proverbs that says this:

"A heart at peace gives life to the body."

this is my new mantra. praying, resting, letting go. looking forward to the future and knowing...

it's so worth it.

i will think positively. i know what can happen. i've heard all of the worst case scenarios. read every book i can get my hands on. there are a lot of WONDERFUL scenarios too. i choose to focus on the positive.

i cannot control the way this is going to go. i simply can't.

but i can control how i handle it. and i want to do it with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.

i can't wait to meet these babies.

and kiss those little feet.

Ryan has been wanting to shop for the baby since we told him - he is so excited - we would look sometimes but really I only have bought one thing, a little stuffed bunny he had as a baby that I wanted for this new little one as well. I probably should have bought him a different animal - but I just like the idea of him having it too :) It was from this little boutique & I was afraid I might not find it again so I got it. Aside from that I really can't think of anything else - and the reality is there is alot we need - I mean at one point I had everything but after we lost Emmanuel I pretty much gave away everything. I really couldn't imagine trying to get pregnant again back then. Today I decided to stop waiting for something to go wrong in this pregnancy and Ryan & I & my mom spent way too much at Carter's :) Here is what Ryan picked out (notice the train theme) . . .

So here's to having "a smile on my face & hope in my heart" . . .

and seriously . . .

check back tomorrow evening for lots of scrappy fun to share - I promise :)

ttyl - julie :)