thursday . . .


I have written thousands of blog posts in my mind - ones a hundred times more deep & interesting & emotional than what usually ends up on the screen. The truth is I compose them while I drive or while I exercise & they just never make it back to the keyboard - or when I get to the keyboard I am way to tired to post anything more than some pictures or sketches. Not that I ever felt a true need to open myself up completely to cyberspace - that's not it - but I always appreciate reading other blogs where the writers share a bit of who they are with the rest of us - it just makes them more human I suppose. Anyways - I read something on Stephanie Howell's blog tonight & it got me thinking. And then I decided to just sit right down at the keyboard - set aside the scrap room I was hoping to clean up & the layout that needed 4 lines of hand-stitching & get the thoughts down - before they escaped me. It has been 20 weeks that this little miracle has been growing inside me - every visit to the doctor I am terrified - I am waiting for the other shoe to drop - I am waiting to see that look in the technician's eye or the doctor's eye to tell me they see something in the sonogram - something wrong. Even though everything has been fine so far - even though I act as if I feel secure this pregnancy is a healthy one - I am waiting, each visit, for bad news - I have not really been able to celebrate the fact that a little one is growing inside me. It is sad really - I remember feeling so different with Ryan - but I was naive then - I didn't realize what a true gift having a child was - how so many things had to fall into just the right place to produce a perfect healthy little one. And how you can't take one moment of it for granted because being able to give life to someone else - well it isn't a given - it's not a right, but really, truly a privilege. For weeks I have been waiting for the movement, the turning, the kicking - I just needed to know he was in there. I know that many people don't feel it until later but it was something I was waiting for. I see these pictures on a screen & I know my belly is growing, but I still couldn't really accept that this was happening - it is like I needed some kind of true confirmation. When I think of our second son, who we lost at 24 weeks, I remember never feeling him move - I think of how it should have meant something - how I should have told the doctor - how I should have been more in tune with myself, my body, his body. But it was such a difficult time, my mother-in-law was dying of cancer, my husband & I were in a very difficult place, I was tending to a needy little one year old. I just assumed everything was fine - I remember reading in the books to drink orange juice & lay on your left side to get the baby moving. Whenever I didn't feel Ryan move I did this to reassure myself everything was okay. I never did this during my second pregnancy - maybe if I had done this & not felt the kicking I would have said something to the doctor & they would have looked and seen that he couldn't move because of his condition - maybe the specialists wouldn't have had to tell us that there was too much damage done - that they couldn't help . . . so here I am again, I've been paying close attention this time (what I should have done the last time), waiting for the movement, the turning, the kicking - this week I felt it - this wonderful gift of knowing he was there - inside me :) And every night after he has reminded me - with a thump, thump, thump and a turn and I am




On Stephanie's blog I read,

a sweet friend (and fellow mama to twins!) told me about a verse in proverbs that says this:

"A heart at peace gives life to the body."

this is my new mantra. praying, resting, letting go. looking forward to the future and knowing...

it's so worth it.

i will think positively. i know what can happen. i've heard all of the worst case scenarios. read every book i can get my hands on. there are a lot of WONDERFUL scenarios too. i choose to focus on the positive.

i cannot control the way this is going to go. i simply can't.

but i can control how i handle it. and i want to do it with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.

i can't wait to meet these babies.

and kiss those little feet.

Ryan has been wanting to shop for the baby since we told him - he is so excited - we would look sometimes but really I only have bought one thing, a little stuffed bunny he had as a baby that I wanted for this new little one as well. I probably should have bought him a different animal - but I just like the idea of him having it too :) It was from this little boutique & I was afraid I might not find it again so I got it. Aside from that I really can't think of anything else - and the reality is there is alot we need - I mean at one point I had everything but after we lost Emmanuel I pretty much gave away everything. I really couldn't imagine trying to get pregnant again back then. Today I decided to stop waiting for something to go wrong in this pregnancy and Ryan & I & my mom spent way too much at Carter's :) Here is what Ryan picked out (notice the train theme) . . .


So here's to having "a smile on my face & hope in my heart" . . .

and seriously . . .

check back tomorrow evening for lots of scrappy fun to share - I promise :)

ttyl - julie :)


  1. what a totally amazing post!! LOVED reading every bit of it!! I'm over the moon happy for you Julie - such an amazing feeling - another life - inside of you - so much a part of you!! Thanks so much for being vulnerable and letting us in :>

  2. I know I'm just one of those random people that read your blog and admire your work but I actually searched through your blog last night for a post about the baby hoping it would be there and everything would still be okay. I got teary when I saw the ultrasound pics and reading your post tonight made me teary again. I think of you and your family often and send out a little prayer that things are still going well. I'm glad they are and I'll continue to send out those prayers. The world needs more Mommies like you - this baby (and your son Ryan can already attest to this I'm sure) will be the luckiest little guy ever!!
    Oh, and I LOVE the trains! So cute!
    Kick Baby Bonner kick!!!

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  4. Oh Julie I got teary too. Though everything worked out good with Finn my pregnancy wasn't always easy as well. I had to spend one week at the hospital in the 22. week because off a bleeding. After that I was scared but as you know everything ended in this little wonder sitting at the table right now giggeling around.
    We are planing to get pregnant in the next half year and I think it will be a bit as it is for you now. always waiting for the worst case to happen.
    I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
    And I am looking forward to see more scrappy things.

  5. Julie,
    YAAAAAAAAAY! You can feel him moving!!! That is just THE best reassurance ever, isn't it! Enjoy that. THAT is the ONLY part of pregnancy that I miss now:)
    I am so glad you feel secure enough to shop. I hope it felt WONDERFUL!!! The clothes are just adorable!
    I am so thrilled for you~

  6. Okay Julie, now you can relax and take time to enjoy this special time in your life. We can't worry about the what if's as life is too short for that.
    I can't wait to meet your little one as I feel I have been along on this journey with you, through reading your blog.

  7. Julie, I echo the sentiment of Alison, I know we are just random faces in the ciber world but it is nice to feel connected. Thank you for sharing your joy and pain. Many hugs, Sarah

  8. I love the outfit Ryan picked! My son probably would have wanted something with trains, too. I hope that you can really keep a smile on your face & hope in your heart. It may be tough, but you can do it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feeling with us! Heres to a healthy rest of your pregnancy!!!

  9. I hope that you are able to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy now that you can feel him move. And I LOVE the clothes....especially the onesie. I can't wait to go on Sept. 29 to find out what I'm having and start getting some stuff.

  10. What an AMAZING post Julie. I'm so glad that you finally felt your sweet baby nudge you and that your fears have eased a little bit. Huge hugs coming your way hon...
    - April

  11. I am so so happy for you, you made me cry - to be honest, everytime I see a post from you pop up on my blog list I pray that it is good news & indeed it has been. My friend always say if you don't put it out there it won't have the oppurtunity to come in...stay positive & positive things will occur! The outfit is just adorable!! Good to hear such great news!!! xxx, Staci

  12. What a wonderful moment this was for you. I just had a baby six months ago and having been through multiple losses, one of which was at 20 weeks, I can feel your heartbreak and have such hope that this sweet little boy makes it into your arms safe and sound and that you are able to find the joy in this pregnancy. That is the one thing I regret most is allowing the fear to take away the glowing, thrilling joy when I was pregnant with my three sweetpeas that bring us such happiness every day. ((HUGS))

  13. I'm so happy for you that this pregnancy seems to be going well. My sister had a daughter who passed away at 3 months of age. Shortly after that I got pregnant. I can't say that I can personally identify with you on losing one that was growing within me. But my sister's loss made me terrified that I would experience the same heartache that she had after the birth of my child. I checked on him many more times than is necessary or normal. But, my sister's experience truly made me realize how precious a gift that giving life to another human being is and how quickly it can be taken away.
    I check your blog often always happy to see a post about the life within you. I'm sitting here teary eyed as well. I've never met you, but I know there is no one more deserving of this gift.
    Bless you.

  14. Julie, your post is so heartfelt and true. I am a mother of a 41/2 year old boy and am currently 32 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Your words are so powerful and they really touched me tonight. Congratulations on those first kicks- there really is nothing better is there? I truly hope that this turning point will help you to feel that joy you deserve! All the best for a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful new baby!!!

  15. Julie, thank you for this beautiful post. I am so happy for you that you've felt baby boy moving. Keep the positive thoughts and thankful prayers - and enJoy the rest of your pregnancy!

  16. Hi Julie,
    We have never met and still I feel so close to you. I am so happy for you to read this positive blog. I wish you all the best and hope that you can now really enjoy the pregnancy. Biggest hugs from the other side of the ocean.

  17. Julie, WOW what a honest and emotional post. I can feel your worry and your glee. I know how hard it is and I know EXACTLY what you are feeling! I hope you allow yourself to experience this pregnancy and enjoy it! Hugs and lots of prayers!

  18. (((Julie))) Lovely post- thank you for sharing. Those first kicks are just the best! We lost a baby at 10 weeks and I had already been buying. So, when we were pregnant with our son, I was very hesitant to buy. Then I felt those first kicks and I ran right out and got him the cutest days of the week onsies. Enjoy the kicks, enjoy the shopping (yay on Big Brother's choice!) and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

  19. Even after reading such an honest and emotional post, I can't begin to imagine the roller coaster of emotions you have felt throughout this pregnancy. I am so happy you have felt those first flutters and hope they give you peace until the little man arrives. --- and remember in 3 months when you can't sleep, feel him kicking you in the bladder all night long that he is indeed still just trying to give you "peace" :)

  20. Julie!!!! You brought tears to my eyes! I am so glad that little bugger is letting you know he is there! I have never had the privilege of carrying a child...and know that will always be an ache way down in my I know the pain when you want something so much. I am so glad things are going well!!!!

  21. First I want to say, Thank you!! Thank you for letting us inside that deep, dark place where you worst fears is hiding!! Not for one moment I think this is an easy journey, but it's a journey well worth taking! Enjoy this pregnancy, keep in mind the precious gift you will receive at the end of it!! Enjoy all the shopping with Ryan. There is now better shopping than baby shopping. You are in my thoughts & prayers everyday! Many hugs.

  22. Hey Julie, I am both a fan of yours and stephanie's blog.... All I can say is that you are not alone, we all worry in our own way, My sister lost a baby full term and throughout both my pregnacies I worried and worried until they were born , I know as a mum all you can do is look afteryour self and the rest will take care of it glad the little one is kicking YEAH!!!!!

  23. Julie, I'm so glad that you have felt the baby move and that you are now ready to enjoy this wonderful experience. How great that you have started getting things ready for him. It's so cute how excited Ryan is. Enjoy.

  24. So glad you have that peace and comfort now. I know that you will be able to enjoy this pregnancy now! I wish you the very best!!! Stephanie is great, too isn't she! Ryan is going to be a great big brother!